The Second Time… And Beyond

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Well shame on me. The first time he cheated had very few consequences, if any. The second time, I had been keeping an eye on his online activity. I don’t remember what platform exactly it was, but it was like aol video chat, but there were also messages between them after their video chat. Apparently, there was a guy that he worked with who was also in the closet. I found messages that indicated my ex husband had masturbated on video chat for this other guy. <<What?!?>> I promptly kicked him out. This time I told my mother. I told her about the first time as well. She felt sorry for him and talked to him. He told her the guy forced him to do it and threatened him with losing his job and preventing him from getting another one. She bought it. I was emotionally dead, but after a week, I was struggling with school and keeping up a house and 1-year-old so I let him come back to help me with cooking and cleaning. I was numb, so it was really just out of convenience. We started couple’s counseling and did that for a year. Now that I’m a counselor, I see that that counselor didn’t have a clue what he was doing. My ex needed intensive individual counseling, but it was never even mentioned. We started going to an awesome church. I grew closer to God than I ever had before. We began working with the youth. I had my ex sign a contract that said if he ever cheated again, I would get everything (spoiler alert!!! I got everything). Over the next four years, I had several run-ins including gay porn, inappropriate conversations, and actions. I know that this was a huge sign now, but at the time I was going through it, I had no idea there were resources for this next experience…

I got a call from the school that my pre-k son had asked another boy if he wanted to “kiss his peepee”. When the teacher asked where he got that from, he said, “From a video I watched with daddy.” … … … … I interrogated my ex. I interrogated my son. My ex said it was from an intro to American Idol where there was a naked guy on the screen. I brought the video up. It was a guy with his crotch blurred out, and he said, “everything is bigger in Texas!” I showed it to my son, and he said, “Yeah that’s it!” So I dropped it- I had hit a dead end. I now know that there was no way my son could have gotten “kiss my peepee” from that American Idol scene. Mind you, I don’t remember if this occurrence was before or after I found gay porn on his phone. For anyone that is dealing with a questionable situation like this: When a child has more knowledge of sexual acts than they should for their age, that is a clear indication that they have seen or experienced something of that nature. #hurtfultruth NOTE: TELL SOMEONE. There are professionals that are trained in how to talk to children about sexual abuse. I know this now because I work with them. Contact social services, contact law enforcement, contact a children’s advocacy center. Tell someone! Technically, the school should have reported it as teachers are mandated reporters or suspected sexual abuse, but I didn’t know this stuff then. Part of me wonders how badly my ex must’ve been freaking out during this. He was so good at playing it cool. Lie after lie after lie with no way to prove him wrong. Another part of me wonders if I should bring this back up now. It was never reported to my knowledge, but this was 5 years ago. Would reporting this even go anywhere? I doubt my son will even remember it, and what damage would I be doing to my son by bringing it back up?

This will be something that I have to pray and think about.

 

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