My Recent Struggle With Weight

I’ve always been the skinny girl. I was so skinny in high school that people said I was anorexic and on drugs, so I would eat constantly in front of them. I also wouldn’t go to the bathroom after either to dispel bulimic rumors. Since getting married to the love of my life and starting a new job, I’ve gained 10 lbs in the past 4 months… I have 2 pairs of jeans that fit and constantly wear stretchy pants. I’m not comfortable with this extra weight. I feel lethargic all the time. Don’t tell me I look fine… because I don’t feel fine. I had decided to start eating better and working out, but today I have never been so close to considering an eating disorder. As I was filling my plate at Christmas dinner, consciously skipping bread and getting smaller servings, my dad announced in front of the entire family that I looked like I’d gained 50 lbs. Yes, my father. … I held it together long enough to escape the room & burst out crying as soon as I got to the bathroom. There was no point in responding because he’s schizophrenic and basically lacks the ability to feel empathy. I don’t need an apology. That can’t take back the pain it made me feel or the truth I felt behind the words. I didn’t eat until I got home & had to hold back the tears as I did. Now I can understand the mindset of people who struggle with weight and even anorexia. People see me and think I’m small, but I don’t see that in the mirror. Every spare second, even now at midnight, I think, “I should work out right now.” Eating makes me feel guilty. People telling me I look fine is pointless. Don’t even go there because my mind is flashing back to the imperfections I saw in the mirror. I definitely don’t write this to get compliments… I won’t believe them. I’m thinking, my mindset could be changed by one person’s mean comments. How many people deal with this over and over again? How many comments does it take to make a person consider an eating disorder? So I write this for the skinny people. I write this for the bigger people and the people in between. I write this for anyone who has ever been put down for their weight, whether too small or too big. I’ve had a taste of both blades. I don’t have a magical answer for how to solve these issues, but I do want people to know that they’re not alone.

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