Looking back at my first marriage, there is one thing that makes me want to beat the snot out of my ex every time I think about it (besides the obvious things like being a pedophile or what he might have done to my son)… and that is that he’s told people that I cheated on him. I started seeing a guy a few weeks after we split (because that’s how I avoided thinking about my crappy life). Then, two months later, someone created an email address to send an anonymous text to my ex saying I was seeing another guy. I don’t know if that person knew we were split, but it didn’t sound like it. At that point, we had been separated for 2 months; however, I had not aired out all my dirty laundry on social media saying what a piece of crap my ex was. Since then, two people have told me he told them I cheated. 1.) I never cheated, although he did at least 3 times. 2.) Let me just beat a dead horse: I don’t cheat. I figure if I’m going to cheat on someone, I’m not going to be with them. Also, I avoid putting myself in harmless situations that could lead to cheating. I avoided going to get lunch with a male classmate alone because I didn’t want to put myself in that kind of situation. I’ve been cheated on- it sucks. So there. See why it ticks me off? I used to go around trying to talk to people about the situation so they knew I was in the right, but now… I don’t. I thought I had to bring to light every lie he told others- no more! That freedom is awesome but also annoying. So I don’t go looking for trouble anymore, but if someone approaches me and tells me a lie he told them… you better believe I will be setting the record straight.
I was thinking, I bet people reading this think, “Uh, well she’s telling everyone the truth on here, so isn’t she in the same boat of setting the record straight?” To this I say NAY! I hide behind my anonymous computer screen. I have not shared my blog on social media. No one in my life knows that I even write this stuff. I’ll probably regret it one day, but it’s a good outlet for me, so I’ll use it until I want to stop. Ultimately, I’m not setting the record straight with anyone that is aware of the past situation. But overall, being cheated on is what has made me so obsessed with wanting the truth, even if it’s hurtful. I would want to hear of 100 cheating incidents rather than live a naive lie. That was always the worst part in my marriage- how he acted so normal between the time of cheating and me finding out. Those were the times that I would have flashbacks to. How he could say he loved me, blah, blah, blah after cheating. Thankfully, those flashes are long gone. If I had a chance to scream at my ex and tell him every thought I’ve had when I was angry with him… I wouldn’t do it. I don’t want any kind of relationship with him, so it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry people- I’m not one of those moms who thinks her kid’s biological father should be in the child’s life. There were too many warning signs when we were together that I now recognize as possible abuse of my son, although my ex denies he would ever harm my son. I will never believe it. He can never earn my trust back, and I am perfectly happy with him totally out of the picture. I love my husband, who has proved himself worthy of my trust. And even though I went through a sick twisted hell, I once again became capable of loving both my son and my amazing new husband… and because of that, I feel like I’ve won the greatest prize a lady could ask for. And, the beauty behind my hell, if my currently perfect world crashes one day, I know I’ll be okay because I now know to rely on God, not man.
So, for anybody dealing with possible cheating (or numerous other issues):
Luke 12:3- “What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.”
Proverbs 18:10- “The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”
So my secret is out- God is the only reason I know I can face whatever comes my way. He is my strength. My strong tower. I hide beneath his sheltering wing. He cradles me in His loving arms, loving me through my many imperfections. In my weakness, I choose Him, always and forever.