Separating Me From Him

When you’re around someone for an extended amount of time, their beliefs become your own. This can be for good or for bad. I’ve seen it in many clients- when they speak, I can see their struggles with self-worth are not who they are… it is who their parents or partners in life molded them into. I see this often in adults who had emotionally abusive parents growing up, and the only way I am able to recognize that so easily is because I had my own revelation recently…

I placed a call to our DSS worker to see why we hadn’t resumed supervised visitation as the dreaded days were supposed to begin back in December. We talked for about 45 minutes and at one point he said, “Yanno, you hear people say that you’re cold and stuff, so it’s really good for me to understand the back story to everything you’ve been though.” *pause* Of course the side of me that cares what other people think zeroed in on “I’m cold”. Admittedly, I was at one point. I dissociated so that I could finish college and work full-time in the midst of learning my husband cheated with a 14-year-old… that was my response at the time. I have since learned to rely on God and feel through the pain (that was a beautifully painful experience). Anyway, I let myself fall into misery because people think I’m cold. This lasted about 4 hours. Sadly, my husband had to deal with my despair via text. I arrived home that evening chipper as could be and not worried at all. Why? I had a revelation. I began to remember that my ex’s actions were always based on how he appeared to others. We never missed a Sunday church service,not because he was in love with God, but because he wanted the social aspect of talking to everyone before and after service. He had me in his life to keep up the appearance that he was straight. He taught a Bible study and copied everything from the internet. He got fired from his excellent job for being on the internet too much. He lied to me and said he was laid off- I learned the truth later. Although he never verbalized his obsession with appearance, it rubbed off on me. So as I sat there worried because people think I’m cold, I realized that wasn’t me worrying. That was my ex’s voice in my head 5 years after our divorce. So as soon as I recognized that, the worry stopped. My mood changed because I don’t want his emotional abuse affecting me anymore. I was happy again because he no longer controls me. That night, my husband and I did our Celebrate Recovery lesson and I saw this verse, “It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the LORD, you are safe.” (Proverbs 29:25, GNB). Wow. I talked about how I don’t care about setting the record straight for everyone in a previous post. I had a 4 hour relapse that day but was able to realize that wasn’t who I am. I must trust God to set the record straight for anyone who needs to know such as judges, lawyers, and DSS. Everyone else is inconsequential.  That’s the real me- the one that doesn’t care what others, besides God, think.

Hurtful truth: Sometimes people’s opinions are based on who you were in the past. If they don’t know who you are in the present, it’s their loss because we don’t live in the past- we live for today.

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