Hurtful truth question: Is the truth ever too hurtful to tell?
So here’s how I thought it would go. My ex would follow whatever orders to keep from going back to jail and would start seeing his son again as soon as he was allowed to. Apparently, I was wrong on both counts. I had been waiting on that dreaded phone call from DSS, “Hey, he contacted us about visits. How does Friday sound?” It never came even after 6 months. So I start looking into the adoption procedure for my husband to adopt my son because I would like to avoid a custody war between my family and my ex’s family if I pass away unexpectedly. My husband started this conversation a while back, but we hadn’t pursued it yet so here we are. After some digging, I found out my ex was arrested a month ago for a parole violation (still doesn’t explain 5 months of no visits). No idea what that violation was, but he’s being held without bond while they collect “evidence”. So now I’m like…. How long will he stay in jail? What did he do this time? Okay, that’s basically all my questions, which I hope to find out eventually. Especially the “how long this time”.
I told my mom what’s going on, and she talked about how he’s just reaping what he’s sown over all these years, which was surprising because she’s typically empathetic. I dealt with over 6 years of lies. He was, I mean is, a compulsive liar. Apparently, the courts can actually inflict additional punishment, and he’s probably learning that lying to the judicial system and parole officers is a bad idea. I’m struggling and have a few thoughts I’d like to brain drain to you unsuspecting victims. 1.) I honestly expected to find an obituary for him before I found he went back to jail. He called me telling me he was going to take a kitchen knife from work and slit his wrists after he was investigated by the police. I talked him down. Was that good or bad? I really don’t know. Perspective is skewed here. But I would have expected suicide more readily. 2.) I saw his arrest photo and felt a twinge of pity. I pray my son never has to see that or go to jail himself. The part of me that doesn’t feel bad for him is at about 90% and the part the does is about 10%. I wonder if the charge is a technicality (missed court date?) or if he was inappropriate with another victim. I have more pity if it was a technicality, but if he re-offended, that pity will reduce significantly. I tried to tell him. I tried to tell him. I tried to tell him. SO many times. I’m glad I don’t feel like I could have done more because I literally tried so many things before I gave up. Most days I feel over the anger of what he did to me. You would think seeing my son cry when I told him his dad was back in jail would bring that anger renewed, but it hasn’t. I feel sadness for my son. I allowed him to have visits, and he didn’t show up. That was his choice, and now it’s hurting my son. My husband helped me realize that not only is my ex an awful husband, but he is also an awful dad. He didn’t even show up when he could have, which actually surprised me because I knew he would always let me down, but I never dreamed he would let his child down. Yet, here we are. He told my son all these fun things they would do when he got out of jail the first time, but he knew they couldn’t happen (visits were at DSS). Not only has he lied to me, but he has also lied to his child. So now, do I try to break the spell my ex has on my son? Do I let him know the ex has lied to him knowing he couldn’t fulfill promises? Do I show him that harsh reality or let him keep thinking his dad is great? My son does know why he went to jail, but that bond is hard to break. Does it need to break so my son can move on rather than holding to a hope that will never come to pass? I see a visit with my son’s counselor coming up, but I would also appreciate any thoughts from readers.