When people struggle with self-worth and value, it reminds me of my journey to finding that for myself. The most memorable time I remember is the first time I found sexts on my ex husband’s phone (which I have discussed before in a previous post). My son was about 5 months old as I sat in a rocking chair crying while scrolling. Normally, I would have turned to guys to distract me, but I was still married so what did I do? I started modeling. It was like I needed to feel pretty and have others tell me the same thing. One time, I met up with a photographer in D.C. at a storage unit to do a shoot. My ex just dropped me off and went on his merry way. Although it went fine, I could have been abducted or raped or killed. I was just blinded by needing acceptance. I now have better sense and my husband would never just drop me off with a stranger. The second time he cheated, I did turn to guys and then we started counseling and ended up in church. I had gone numb but the youth girls helped unthaw my frozen heart. I had purpose. Then of course the third and final time, I turned right back to guys and numbed myself again because that’s my natural response to emotional danger. All of these cheating instances are ones I found out about. Who knows how many other incidences there were.
So I’ve had a lot of experience looking in all the wrong places for my value. It was a rollercoaster based on comments by others, shallow relationships, and a camera lens. The question: where should our value come from? The answer: His Word. There are so many verses that tell us how beautiful we are. We simply need to allow them into our souls and trust them in our hearts. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not cast your pearls to swine! Strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman- she looks to the future and smiles. God knows the hairs on our heads. If He cares enough to feed birds daily, how much more does He care for us? You are worth God allowing His only Son to be brutally beaten and killed- you are worth so much more than you realize. There is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear. Jesus gives us that perfect love, not other people in our lives- they can’t! They’re imperfect! The key is allowing God to be the strong tower He is and allowing Christ to hold our hearts instead of others. The first time I did this, it changed my life…
My husband, then boyfriend, and I had broken up. I chose to rely on God and feel the pain instead of going numb. I spent a lot of nights in my closet with the lights out crying and praying for him. And guess what God’s answer was. I don’t know if God has wings, but His answer was to sit there with me while I laid in the fetal position with His wing sheltering me from the world. In my deepest pain, I felt peace. I felt acceptance in my weakness. Those moments of closeness to Him were some of the greatest moments of my life. Glimpses into the glory of Heaven- otherworldly. The answer is not finding acceptance in modeling, other people, or anything of this earth. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning, and no one can take that away unless you let them. Joy isn’t meant to be circumstantial as happiness is, it is meant to endure even after this brief life. Choose God, not man (or woman).
Hurtful truth: “And if I’m invisible to others, it’s only because their side is limited, not my value.” -Lecrae