I don’t know what’s caused the bravery by my ex lately, but I’m not a fan. My son got into some trouble lately with being aggressive, and I thought it may be connected to some feelings about the ex. Then, one day he said, “Mammaw told me daddy thinks I’ve forgotten him.” -_- Lovely. So I texted her and asked her to refrain from relaying any messages besides the basic love/miss you. She agreed and apologized, but apparently that opened the floodgates of the “ex subject”. She asked if she could supervise calls between them (ummm no). Then, if they could write to eachother (okay… if he sends them to me to review first). So, we had this established. They have not even given me a reason visitation hasn’t happened since September 2016! Anyway, I got a call from a new number that night. I didn’t answer. I got a text a few minutes later. The ex. He asked me to call him. That wasn’t happening because I’m really unsure of how that would go.
Would I be cordial or would my mouth turn into a volcano melting everything in its path? We haven’t spoken in I think 2.5 years. It’s been amazing, and I love that I no longer -have- to listen to him. We were on good terms at our last conversation; but that was before his now ex boyfriend said some things that indicated my ex told him I cheated on him (absolutely wrong- as I’ve said before, I started seeing other people a few weeks after we split, it was the numbing effect). So there’s a lot of things I’d like to give him crap over, but none of it matters anymore so instead I use some Gestalt therapy on myself and scream at an empty chair, yes it’s effective.
Okay, on with the story… I told him the arrangement I had made with his mother. He responded that he wanted to know everything he’d missed with “his boy”. Well sir, that’s all fine and dandy, but I refuse to be the person that communicates that to him. So I let him know, nicely, that I can’t emotionally handle talking to him unless in an emergency, and he could get any questions answered through his mom or by writing letters asking our son (by “our” I mean me and now husband, yanno, the one who’s been a father to him the past so many years?). He wrote a response about how much he loves him and is proud of him and has always had his best interests at heart (the type of stuff I wouldn’t find worthy of wiping my rear with coming from him). Momma always said, “If ya don’t have nothin’ nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I didn’t respond; I had nothing nice. Plus, I have the freedom to walk away now. I don’t have to face him every day. I have no obligations to him. I owe him nothing. It’s entirely freeing to be out of an emotionally abusive mess, and I adore it <3. Probably the worst part about his bs text was that I bet he believes every word he said, because the best liars are the ones who believe their own lies, and, my friends, this fella is a pathological liar. Fortunately, I don’t have to see him again, unless he takes me to court, which would be no issue for me because I’m willing to bet I have many more friends in the courthouse than he does and more financial means to get a kick booty lawyer… and I don’t have a 1st degree sexual abuse charge and sex offender status on my belt as he does. Boom. Auto win.
I do better than I used to. I would let that contact haunt me much longer in the past, but no more. The further away it is, the happier I am. The more that time of life slips away, the more it becomes a memory of a girl who no longer exists, so what’s left? A strong woman, who knows when and when not to speak. I’m a firm believer that silence can be much more effective than words, so that’s what I choose for this situation. So here’s to freedom, once again, that amazing thing that so many people forget exists.
Helpful truth: Silence directed toward one person does not mean you lose the freedom to talk out your feelings about the situation with someone else, because that may be the only way to move forward when confrontation isn’t appealing.